Council Chronicles: The council according to the Book of Eddie

Saturday, July 22, 2006

By Ed Bushnell

Chapter 1:

Herein lies the chronicles of the Council of Barron, who didst serve as mayor in the summer of 2006: The Town of Jackson was founded in 1914, and the town created its mayor Harry Wagner. And Harry Wagner begat Hyrum Deloney; who begat Grace Miller; who begat Henry Crabtree; who begat Richard Winger; who begat Charles Brown; who begat Fred Lovejoy; And Lovejoy begat Charles Huff; who begat Harry Clissold; who begat Harold Livingston; who begat Lester May; who begat Ralph Gill; who begat Bob Shervin; who begat Abi Garriman; who begat Sam Clark; who begat William Westbrook; who begat Jeff Crabtree; who begat Abi Garriman (again); who begat Barney Oldfield; who begat Jeannie Jackson; And from Jeanne Jackson came Mark Barron who came into office in January 2003. And the town saw this, and spoke: "This is our mayor, of whom we are well pleased." And, much like a dog circles his own vomit, the four councilors circled around Barron, and these four apostles did spread the Good News of the Town of Jackson.

Chapter 2:
Now on the evening of July 17, the council did convene in the five seats atop the council chambers. And many disciples came to listen to their sermon, including Lisa daCosta with a fluffy new perm, and several members who called themselves candidates and did wish to usurp the current apostles' position should they betray Barron for the sum of 30 silver pieces. At the meeting the council listened to a sermon from Dan Guimond and Andy Knudtsen, consultants from Economic and Planning Systems, who presented findings on an affordable housing needs assessment. This assessment was born of a survey, which was sent out to residents in Teton County and surrounding counties, and had a response rate close to 30 percent. And the results of this survey showed there is a swiftening trend of Teton County workers moving out of the county and commuting to their jobs. Knudtsen said 17 percent of people commute more than 50 miles one way for their commute to work, and 17 percent of commuters (probably the same 17 percent) spend over 11 percent of their gross income on commuting. Knudtsen also did say that of all building permits filed in Teton County and surrounding areas lately, only 30 percent are in Teton County and the other 70 percent are in outlying communities. Perhaps most damaging to the future of Teton County's workforce is the fact that 40 percent of commuters expressed interest in taking a job closer to their residence.

In 1990, Knudtsen said, 13.5 percent of Teton County workers commuted from outside the county; yet today, 23 percent do so. Housing prices in Teton County are obscene: Most inventory is between $1 and $2 million, and there is more inventory above $2 million than below $1 million. There is nothing on the market for under $200,000 in Teton County. Finally, most respondents to the survey listed affordable housing as one of the, if not the, crucial issues facing Teton County. And when Knudtsen did finish this affordable housing sermon, the final time was exactly 30 minutes as he had promised.

Chapter 3:
Now Councilman Mark Obringer did listen to this presentation with rapt attention, and then he did say: How do we reconcile the fact that everyone seems to say affordable housing is a major issue, yet funding for housing on the SPET barely passes with a majority of voters? "You can say anything in a survey or anything in the coffee shop, but when you pull the lever and cast your vote, that's where the level of support needs to be," Obringer said. And councilman Scott Anderson did say: How do you say you're for affordable housing but anti-development? And Councilman Harrington did say: How many houses is enough? Is there a goal? How can we do this with the high price of land? And Councilman Abe Tabatabai said: This study tells me everything I already knew. How can we use this information?

And to these questions, and this survey, Mayor Barron did answer: You fools. Did I not tell you that in order to maintain a special place of a community, workers must be able to live here? I tell you the truth: We need to concentrate on building a set number of units of affordable housing a year, rather than shoot for "a number God himself would not be able to achieve." And Barron wore a strawberry on his forehead, which was apparently the result of a head butt with a boat and not stigmata.

Then Town Administrator Bob McLaurin, absent of any tacky Austrian sweaters, asked how Jackson compares to other mountain resort towns in providing affordable housing. To this, Guimond replied Jackson is ahead of other towns, and other towns would envy Jackson's level of public support for housing. And thus the council did resolve to go forward as a family of five, not divided three against two, with breastplates of confidence and voices like trumpets, to provide affordable housing throughout the land.

Chapter 4:
Now other matters occurred at this meeting, the most interesting being the request of Mark Lobbe, representing Sk8, Inc., for the town's assistance in providing amenities for the next phase of development for the skate park. Sk8er Boi Lobbe did say a donor has provided the sum of $150,000 for the expansion, but asked the town for approximately $20,000 for a drinking fountain, a set of bleachers, and landscaping.

And Police Chief Dan Zivkovich did speak to the council, and he made mention that he believes the police department is understaffed and cannot be "proactive" in enforcing the law. And Zivkovich did deny a rumor that the department is actively enforcing immigration laws by detaining those victims who are said to be in the country illegally and who need police assistance. Although Zivkovich said they would assist Immigration and Customs Enforcement when asked, they would not be questioning the legal status of victims who call the police for assistance. So do not fear to call the police when needed, he said, for the police are present to protect all members of the Jackson community.

And then the Mayor did call up the disciple Ed Bushnell, who in honor of his last meeting did chair the remainder of the meeting. And the remainder of the meeting was thus recorded by Shelley Simonton, public affairs officer for the town and author of Blonde Blog. And Shelley recorded thusly: "We must leave a message on Michael Pruett's Housecalls voicemail, as he and Greg Miles have been reappointed to the Planning Commission. Abe Tabatabai says he will step down from council office if elected to the commission, to which Anderson replies is a good reason to vote for Abe. Anderson also said he's more of a boxers type, so do not call him 'F.B.' And after that, Honorary Chair Bushnell adjourned the meeting.

Chapter 5:
Now let the wisdom of the council reside in you always, and go and spread the word of the council, be it through recitation of LDRs or resolutions. Clothe yourself with the Comp Plan. Rejoice in the planning items and ordinances, be they the largest Jay Varley projects or the smallest leash laws. Forgive the council their drunken emails, and their mixed metaphors such as biting more of a different colored horse. And do not spread wicked lies about the council. For I tell you the truth: A town is like a loaf of bread, and when some of the yeast goes bad, all of the yeast goes bad, and then the yeast becomes a mustardy infection. Instead, ingest and digest the healthy infection-less bread of town policy. And above all, be glad for open meetings, for this is Wyoming and not Idaho. Now go and spread the Good News of the Council, and peace be with you. Hallelujah.

- editor@planetjh.com

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Council Chronicles: The council according to the Book of Eddie | Planet JH News Article: Council Chronicles

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