Slim's Pickins: Fair fare

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

By Tyler Alford

Jackson Hole, Wyo.-You missed it – The culinary disaster that is the annual Teton County Fair has come, and gone.

If the 19 year olds stopping you to question, “Are you gay?” in reference to your cruiser bicycle, and “Where do you find real country music, and not that mmm-bop (insert racial epitaph) shit” did not give it away, the wafting smells of equine feces and fried everything may have hinted the cultural shift.

I’ve sworn off most fair rides (especially those not sanctioned by American Coaster Enthusiasts) after a few clicks and a loud scrape left me stuck atop the Tower of Terror for at least 30 minutes during an eighth grade band trip.
So, it was no loss to me when on Friday afternoon the rides had not opened yet. My gluttonous accomplice, Aaron Wallis, and I circled around the far edge of the grounds looking for the ‘Roasted Corn’ and ‘Turkey Leg’ signs as we took in the developing sights and sounds.

Wallis, recently blamed  for thinking too much with “his other head,” was already in a haze from a  gin and pineapple-driven attempt at stress relief and was arguably not thinking at all, per usual.

I, spoiled on four-diamond staff meals, was just looking for some grease – a recent trip to a scale had reminded me that my glory days of creatine and Division 3 college football were over. Thirty-plus pounds lighter now, I needed large quantities of saturated fat.

Soon enough, we found ourselves within the throws of the offset stage area to the actual fairgrounds surrounded by makeshift tents advertising political parties, candidates and all things foam. Wallis intelligently started with a Powerade, and we then made our way to the largest processed and hydrogenized foods dispensing booth within sight.

Our first course of deep fried chaos came on a stick nearly 12 inches long: jumbo corn dogs. For some reason, which I’m pretty sure is higher levels of MSG and unchanged fryer oil, hot dogs at the fair taste different; worse, but also better. The long form of golden brown “corn” dough wrapped around the mechanically separated spare pork parts glistened as the young freckle-faced attendant handed it to me. I ordered mine with a side of freshly squeezed lemonade. We took our prizes with cups of mustard to the nearest picnic table and watched as the Teton County Fair Talent Show slllooooowwwly developed.

I saw the clown MC some six hours later driving away with a look of exhaustion on his face; a professional can apparently handle only so many three-minute fillers.
Completing the feat of corn dog consumption in record time and charged from the recent intake of grease and toxin, we opted for another round of ridiculous foods: Cajun French fries (the only thing that makes them Cajun is the Tony Chachere’s seasoning), deep-fried bread and butter pickles, deep-fried Twinkies and a BBQ po’ boy.

No, I’m not proud of myself, but I’m proud of Wallis. Spitting in the face of convention with greasy and dirty fingers, he devoured each and every piece of foul food, breaking from concern for public perception of his dietary disciplines while offering honest commentary. “This is gonna make me feel like shit,” he said, and it was true.

By the time the third act had finished and our plastic plates were clean, both Wallis and I were exhausted. I opted for a nap and woke up to a face swollen from MSG. Wallis headed back to the Artlab to volunteer, or some crap like that. I don’t suggest feasting at the fair because it’s painful, greasy, self-loathing, dirty and down-right delicious – a true American freedom of eat that leaves people staring at you disgustedly as you chew yet another deep-fried Twinkie.

If overindulgence in processed foods isn’t your thing or if you don’t want to wait for next year’s fair, you could just become a cultural opinion columnist – people don’t get that either. JHW

photo by tyler alford
Artery-clogging cuisine à la Teton County Fair.

PERMALINK:
Slim's Pickins: Fair fare | Planet JH News Article: Restaurants And Dining

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