Love in a ski town
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
By Ben Cannon
Jackson Hole, Wyo.- In resort communities like Jackson Hole, there is an ancient but oft-repeated adage: “In a ski town you don’t lose your girlfriend, you lose your turn.”
While that may be gender-slanted, suggesting the romantic plight only of a heterosexual male townie vying for attention among a disproportionately small pool of available females, one need only go so far as the nearest tavern to drum up some evidence supporting that axiom.
But how useful is a bit of supportive anecdote in a valley of 20,000 people when addressing affairs of the heart? The truth of the matter is that here, like anywhere, relationships – with room for some particular gender and social nuances - do as they do, and that can be a hard truth for those either looking for companionship or still stung by one that dissolved. It should be accepted as part of the deal: if you choose to live in a place like Jackson Hole, which attracts plenty of alpha types (both male and female) then pining for a different dating culture or demographic can be a rather frustrating endeavor.
Still, who among us sans partner doesn’t at some point dream of finding love here in Babylon, however real or unreal place this may seem at times? Despite popular opinion, it’s not that the demographic breakdown of males-to-females in this valley is actually so disproportionate. The last full census for Teton County, compiled in 2000, revealed 115 males for every 100 females above age 18. Census data released in 2006 estimated a 54 to 46 percent male-to-female split in the valley. That is roughly the inverse of the male to female breakdown in parts of Manhattan, a place that has inspired television and film to fictionalization the heterosexual urban woman and her travails to find a good man in the female-heavy cosmopolis.
So, perhaps the situation in Jackson Hole, with odds slightly favoring the single gal over the eligible bachelor, is not so dire after all.
It’s probably more useful to look at the local dating scene in the context of a culture that promotes and values exploration, adventure and a youthful independence. And, however exciting and romantic they might seem, those are ideals often at odds with nurturing relationships that might more easily take root elsewhere.
“There’s a general atmosphere of singleness here,” said Dr. Stephen Lottridge, a clinical psychologist working in Jackson. “In general, in a resort town there’s a little bit of a playtime atmosphere: there’s a lot of invitation to play hard, party hard, sow your roots.”
While there may be a notion that Jackson Hole – an idyllic resort area situated within a peaceable valley – is a relaxing place to be, it may not necessarily be an ideal spot for young people to transplant or even establish a budding relationship.
“The fact is, this is a pretty intense town,” Lottridge said. “You have to work hard to live here and there’s pressure for young people to be extremely athletic, perhaps more than they may naturally be.”
And the particular social values in this town, the ones apt to bestow an elevated status to one who participates (‘get it’) and excels (‘shreds’) at worthy outdoor pursuits. The flatlander who might have been a great catch back in Omaha, to use a superficial though plausible scenario, may not, on the surface, do as well if he or she cannot navigate the cultural currency of sport as well as another romantic competitor.
“It’s absolutely true,” Lottridege said, “there’s a tendency to want to get the prized mate.”
But that’s only one aspect of dating here and, while it may seem an unlikely scenario, we’ve all heard about the guy who hurt his leg one winter and, while out skiing with other guys everyday, his girlfriend of some years decided to opt out of the relationship.
On a similar if perhaps more lighthearted note, the terms “ski widow” or “fly fishing widow” – used for the partner not competing with another person for attention, but with an outdoor pursuit – were not pulled out of thin air.–
“It’s a difficult town for relationships,” said Bob Skaggs, a licensed therapist. “If you’re serious and want to be serious in the relationship it can be hard. You might see one who wants to go back to school and leave Jackson and the other is not ready.”
Skaggs said that, historically, the Jackson has been free of the stabilizing forces that in summer send Jacksonites by the flock to weddings back home – namely “button down jobs” and proximity to family. But those traditional stabilizing trends may be slowly infiltrating the valley as the number of button-down jobs increase and e-commerce enables more professional opportunities.
As for some period of dissatisfaction or anguish, well, you’re never alone in that boat – here or anywhere else.
“Maybe everyone goes through something in Jackson,” Skaggs said. “It’s more common than we realize.”
Sam Petri’s picks:
Artist: John Legend
Song: Slow Dance
Album: Once Again
The subtle hip-hop beat coupled with Legend’s throwback classic soul aesthetic will resonate with people from all generations. The warm vibe on this track is undeniable so it’s no wonder it is Legend’s most downloaded track on iTunes. Throw this one on to set the mood for an I-just-interrupted-what-you’re-doing-just-to-make-out-with-you type of make out sesh in your kitchen.
Artist: Chaka Khan
Song: Sweet Thing
Album: Rufus featuring Chaka Khan
On this track, Khan captures that feeling of excited tension everyone gets when they are around someone they want but can’t have. The song initially sounds as soft as velvet but is really about wanting to commit scandalous acts of adultery. No matter when this song gets played, people will start making out immediately. It’s a real icebreaker.
Artist: Boys and Girls Club
Song: Summer in the City
Album: A Simple Night of Dancing With…
Scott Thorough of Brooklyn hip-hop collective Nuclear Family combined forces with Mike of Short Stories in 2002 to create The Boys and Girls Club. The song Summer in the City has been out for a while now but it’s too hot to cool down. You can feel the sticky humidity as Scott Thorough sings “Restless on these summer nights/ Darling kill the nights let’s stay at home/ And we’ll both say some strange things/ while we get lost under the sheets.” Brilliant.
Henry Sweets’ Picks:
Artist: The Junior Boys
Song: FM
Album: So this is Goodbye
The Junior Boys are a Canadian pop duo that record irresistible make-out music. This last track feels like the first 10 minutes face down in your bed after a long bender, or after a backpacking trip through a rainstorm. It is visceral, calm and smooth - like you with your boo.
Song: Crazy Love
Artist: Van Morrison
Album: Moondance
Van Morrison’s vocals on this track have been helping people get lucky since 1970. Everyone wants to know what crazy love really feels like.
Song: Tezeta (Nostalgia)
Artist: Mulatu Astatke
Album: Ethiopiques vol. Four
Astatke blended traditional sounds of Ethiopian music with Latin jazz in the sixties, creating a sound called Ethio-jazz. Tezeta is the most ethereal of his compositions on this particular compilation. It is like floating above desert coast with the relief you feel after crying. Tell your baby about eternity while the sax grooves on in the background.
Grace Hammond’s picks
Song: Hey Lover
Artist: LL Cool J
Album: Grace’s 8th Grade Mix / All World: Greatest Hits
It’s not entirely unusual to find R&B from the mid ’90s playing at The Planet late Monday nights. For good reason: there’s nothing like it. The songs were about sex, but ultimately something else, too: romance. When LL sees his “more than a crush” at the bus stop and the mall, he wants to share vanilla ice cream with her in a sexy fashion. How cute is that? Finally, this song features the ultimate crooners of our middle school days: Boyz II Men. That’s enough to make any woman in this very specific demographic melt.
Song: Red Light Special
Artist: TLC
Album: Grace’s 8th Grade Mix / CrazySexyCool
This is the other ultimate R&B jam of the times; ask any Midwesterner who went to a middle school prom. It’s got all the themes that excited us on the cusp of our kissing days: cheesy pop, gratuitous oohs and aahs, and nasty, ridiculous lyrics. We discussed: “Do they make songs this nasty anymore?” Our gut said yes; but alas, we are in Wyoming with few radio stations and TV channels, so we have no conclusive evidence of this fact. Further, we’d ask a local 8th grader, but they’ll be in school past our deadline. Verdict: this song warms the heart and gives special butterflies with empowering lyrics for the ladies: “I need someone who understands / I’m a woman, a real woman / I know just what I want / I know just who I am.” The other lyrics aren’t really fit to print.
Song: Soul Meets Body
Artist: Death Cab for Cutie
Album: Plans
This cheerful yet melancholic song covers all the bases (and if you put this on, you might, too). It’s about love and integration - taking intimacy and ratcheting it up a notch. “You’re the only song I want to hear,” it says clearly and softly, then acknowledges the fleeting nature of such couplings: “And I do believe it’s true / That there are roads left in both of our shoes / But if the silence takes you / Then I hope it takes me too.” This song celebrates the moment - no matter how short it may be.
Can’t find love? Welcome to the club.
In a small town like Jackson, there is still plenty of opportunity to find a niche. There are groups of people celebrating their freedom - celebrating themselves. If you find it hard to ‘meet someone,’ don’t be surprised and don’t give up.
Cosmo and Maxim would have you believe that everyone is out having mind-blowing orgasms all day long, or sharing the secrets of their soul with the perfect companion. Even the most crunchy-granola American is susceptible to our consumerist culture, where happiness exists in external things. But if other people control your impulses, you are a long way from getting what you really want.
JoAnne Scott, owner of Biofeedback of Jackson Hole, is a registered nurse and certified biofeedback professional. She assesses her patients’ brainwaves, heart rates, respiratory patterns and body temperature. She helps them learn how to treat stress, anxiety, disease, and “anything that the brain regulates, which is everything.”
When it comes to rejection or low self esteem, Scott said, “A lot of people tend to stuff it and put a band-aid on top by putting on blinders and carrying on … or going out drinking, or isolating [themselves] more deeply.” Avoiding the problem will only perpetuate the pattern of loneliness, she said.
Kathie Chandler, a Reiki healer, reflexologist, minister and intuitive reader said lonely people generate specific energies. If a person has been rejected in love, they could be hanging a metaphorical ‘no vacancy’ sign over their doorway, because they are “so used to not having someone” that they “don’t have the energy to attract someone,” Chandler said. Confidence and self-esteem issues are inherent in loneliness, and the real question a person must ask is: “How can I be happy with someone else if I’m unhappy with myself?”
To be happy with oneself, that self must be approachable. Scott suggested to “learn how to be able to check in with yourself many times a day.” This is a physical and mental process where “we shield ourselves from our external world,” she said - even for just a moment. Finally, “be aware if you are breathing in your belly - noticing any tension anywhere - doing a body scan and re-setting,” Scott said.
Meditation and practicing Yoga, Tai Chi, dancing, or other exercises to promote inner balance, can help with self-evaluation and call attention to aspects of life that are being neglected. Scott said that seeing the problem isn’t enough; one must have a “tool to undo what [they] have created.”
Inner dialogue can spot and reverse negative energy before it takes over. Activities that promote positive thought can take its place. Ask yourself: “How is my thinking affecting this problem? Am I creating more of a problem with my thinking, or am I helping myself move toward a solution with my thinking?”
Take a few minutes each day to list what you are grateful for. Go out with friends in a collective effort to talk to new people. Instead of going to the same bar on the same night, Chandler suggested to try “somewhere a little different from where you usually go, so you can attract new people, new energies.” Dress up in costume for a party or a night on the town. Volunteer somewhere that you will meet other people who share your passions. Clean your room and read a book. Don’t doubt your spontaneity - foster your impulses and be true to yourself.
Don’t focus on the obstacles in the dating scene. This can only bring the wrong type of person into your life. Any skier will tell you that if you stare at a tree in hopes of avoiding it, you will hit it. Chandler spoke of “manifestation” - if you focus on something, and act as if you have it, then it will come to you. Instead of thinking about what might go wrong, just think about what will go right. Begin by loving your friends, roommates, and strangers. “All love comes from the same vessel,” she said, “with different avenues and terminology.”
Finally, we all know that when we have love, we are more attractive. This, Chandler said, is because we are confident in our sexual selves. That confidence can be achieved solo, by someone who brings fulfillment in their life through friendships, work, hobbies and self-awareness.
Courtesy photoRelaxed Jackson Hole is a pressure cooker for some relationships. PERMALINK:
Love in a ski town | Planet JH News Article: Cover Stories
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