When stuff attacks, from weather to underwear

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

By Galloping Grandma

Someone must have pissed off Mother Nature this year, because she seems to have it in for some of us. I hear she’s melting the polar ice cap this summer, so Santa will probably be making his rounds in a speedboat next Christmas. Locally, she’s placed a pox on pedestrians and bike riders, and, from what I hear, everyone is running for their lives, attacked by bomber squadrons of bad-tempered, redwing blackbirds. They are chasing people down the street, yanking out their hair and knocking them off their bikes. It’s like being in a bad Tippie Hedron movie.

Apparently, blackbirds are very territorial and aggressive during breeding season. When the boys come in the early spring, they hang around looking bored while waiting for the girls to show up. Once they do, they get all macho and male and want to beat everyone up, sort of like Internet dating or a biker convention. One attacked me, and I could feel his wings on my face. I will admit that I am impressed by the one that took a flying poop on my car and aimed it inside the car on the leather sheets … such aim!
Incidentally, a note to the ravens who used our car as a public facility: Wear underwear or take Kaopectate!

Speaking of underwear, I hear someone is suing Victoria’s Secret because she was wounded when putting on a thong. It had some kind of metal decoration that busted loose and hit her in the eye. I can’t imagine why her eye was down by her thong, or was she putting it on over her head? I would certainly suffer damage if I tried to put on a thong.

I, too, have been attacked by my underwear. Mine is more utilitarian, old-lady underwear, but try getting a foot caught while putting one on or worse, both feet caught in one leg! This will launch you halfway across the room. My husband is one of those anal types who sits down to dress but it is the coward’s way out. I am more adventurous, as I dress standing up, which can be majorly injurious, but more exciting!
I think I have discovered a possible solution to the housing crisis around here. Luther Lorch from my home town of Corn Cob, Iowa, had a strange feeling for about a year that he was not alone in his house.

Do you ever get the sensation that there is something you can’t see, but you’re not sure? Now and then he would hear a weird sound or a creak like a footstep. He began to think his ex-mother-in law was haunting him. He noticed that now and then food disappeared, not lots, but some. He felt that things were touched or moved … it was a puzzle.

Then one day he came home early from work, and while hanging up his coat, observed a pair of feet hanging down from the top of his closet. A quick yank on the feet produced one Irma Feingold, an old waitress at the Highway 30 truck stop. She had lost her job and her apartment and had nowhere to go when her boyfriend took all her money and threw her out. She knew Luther’s house was empty all day, so she just moved in and had been there for a year. When he went out, she came in. Actually, this is not a bad idea!
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When stuff attacks, from weather to underwear | Planet JH News Article: General News

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