The week that wasn't

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

By Galloping Grandma

It has been a dismal week for me. For starters, I was chomping on a jelly bean and dislodged a filling, resulting in a trip to the dentist. That evening I fell out of bed. I fell out of bed because I was sleeping on the edge, as I always do, and when I turned over I fell out and I hit my face on the nightstand. The next day, on the way to the dentist I backed out the car and tore the door frame off the garage. I once tore the door off the car while backing out, and once I ran over the lawn mower. Backing out must not be my thing.

To add to this, there is terrible news from home. The Maid-Rite has closed and I think the entire chain has shut down. If you are from Iowa you know what a Maid-Rite is, it is like a sloppy joe without the slop. The hamburger is frizzled up with onions and then plopped on a bun and you add your own mustard, catsup and pickles. It smells so good, so warm and onion-y, like pure ambrosia, a gift from the gods. I know restaurants aren’t doing well in this economy and food tastes change, but no Maid-Rite? So sad.
Now that we’re talking about Iowa, I learned that there is the Great Ape Trust of Iowa, not far from home. I honestly don’t know what this is, but I can’t remember any great apes running around Iowa when I grew up. No offense to the apes, but there were other creatures that might have qualified like some fraternity boys at Corn Cob U and a couple of ag students I knew.

Down at the wrong end of Main Street in Corn Cob was an establishment that bore resemblance to a zoo of sorts. It was a bar called the Corn Crib and the patrons looked like refugees from the Discovery Channel. The chief attraction was Dixle Lee Dugan, a former lady wrestler. She was multi-talented: she could pour four beers at one time while balancing a 6-pack on her bosom. In the late 50s she ran off with the Elkhorn beer truck driver, moved to Wisconsin and became respectable. The apes that they study at the Trust are called bonobos, I don’t know what they are but I think there was a family by that name in Silo City.

I understand that great grandma Fungoe has passed to her reward in Silo City. This has to be a big relief for her family because about 20 years ago she was horribly injured in a terrible accident and has spent her remaining years driving her family nuts. She was kicked down the stairs and savagely trampled at a Lawrence Welk concert when a herd of Myron Floren fans were trying to get autographs. She sued the band but got nothing, I did hear that she got an autographed photo from Joanne Castle though.

Easter is early this year and I am off to Palm Springs to dry out my varicose veins. I probably should have a face lift too but I am scared to discover what they might find when they lift everything up. They actually have a hemorrhoid university there, maybe I could take some classes.

It has been a dismal week, but it’s over and I’m out of here.
PERMALINK:
The week that wasn't | Planet JH News Article: Galloping Grandma

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