This way to the drive-thru buffet line

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

By Galloping Grandma

Well I’m back from the land of palm trees and face lifts, and my liver spots are gilded and shiny, every varicose vein is glowing and my cellulite is more vibrant than ever.
While I was there I noticed a plethora of shopping channels and stuff to buy on TV, more so than here. It reminded me of Iris Mulch back home in Corn Cob, Iowa, who became addicted to buying stuff on TV. She was trapped at home caring for her old crone of a mother so she filled her time buying things and making mom pay. It became a disease - there was nothing she could live without.

She bought a Veg-o-Matic, a Salad Shooter, Seal-a-Meal, Ginzu knives, a Joy Hall Everything Bag, all those Ronco products, a Craftmatic bed, a Magic Bullet, Magic Putty, a George Foreman Grill, one of those hair braiders, and those storage bags that collapse and flatten. No one could stop her; she even thought of buying that male enhancement stuff that smiley guy sells, but she didn’t know any males she cared to enhance.

Unfortunately, things are not always what they seem and it really is ‘buyer beware.’ She discovered there are only so many vegetables you can slice, so many salads you can shoot, and she never had enough meals to seal and then couldn’t unseal them anyway. The Craftmatic bed folded her mother up like a pretzel and they gave it away.

How many smoothies can you make with a Magic Bullet? And that omelet pan that awful Cathy woman sells soon gathered dust and crumbs. The hair braider pulled out her hair by the roots and she couldn’t grill enough hamburgers to make George Foreman happy. On top of that, she connected those storage bags to the wrong end of the vacuum cleaner and they exploded. As for the Joy Hall Everything Bag, well, it didn’t hold everything and she didn’t have any shoes to match.

Eventually mom won the Iowa lottery and moved to Lutheran Acres and Iris was left with a giant pile of things she couldn’t use or didn’t want or shouldn’t have bought in the first place. I did hear she recently bought some Japanese foot pads that you wear to bed and they suck the toxins out of your system and in 10 days you are a new person.

I heard no toxins came out but a lot went in and now she has a bad rash on her feet.
By now you are probably wondering about that drive-thru buffet line. I saw a restaurant advertising a drive-thru buffet; I imagine they had a drive-thru AND a buffet but one never knows. I can remember when Otis Gund floored his electric scooter and mowed down the buffet line at the Lutheran smorgasbord and before someone could turn off his scooter and throw him out, he nailed Mother Lilleboe just as she reached for the creamed codfish balls. I guess that was a drive-thru buffet, but I do think that life is a sort of drive-thru buffet line, isn’t it? We just have to reach for the right stuff.
PERMALINK:
This way to the drive-thru buffet line | Planet JH News Article: Galloping Grandma

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