Redneck Perspeective: Close encounters

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

By Clyde Thornhill

I was cooking elk steak on the grill with Lill, my redneck girlfriend, when a spaceship lit next to my trailer. It was about 40-feet across and had lots of flashing lights all over. It reminded me of my cousin, Allen’s, three-quarter-ton Chevy. He had installed driving lights, cab lights, deck lights and flashers. Personally, I don’t care if you’re local or alien, drawing that kind of attention to yourself speaks of sexual insecurities.

The Code of the West is clear regarding hospitality when someone shows up at your door. Native, alien, even Realtors and lawyers are to be welcomed. I grabbed a Budweiser from the cooler and walked out to meet our guest. A door slid open and a funny looking green man walked out.

“I from planet Xtron,” he said. “I come for woman.”
I looked him over. Besides being green, he had a massive head with two antennas sticking out. He only had three fingers on each hand, a huge potbelly and tiny little legs. I wondered where his … well I didn’t see anything. I wonder how he … But I thought it more polite not to ask.
Lill joined me, and I saw my alien friend giving her a quick look over.
“You woman!”

He sounded excited.
“What a cool ride!” She was thrilled. “What’s under the hood of that thing?”
“A five-mega-cosmos-neuron deflector with a light force shield overdrive,” the alien replied, clearly delighted at her interest.

Lill was entranced and walked toward him. I didn’t really care if Lill decided to leave me for an alien, but the idea of being cuckold by someone with no … grated on me.
I called out to her. “It wouldn’t work Lill. Look at his ... ”

I could see the struggle as Lill debated horsepower versus erotic stimuli.
“If you go off with this guy, it’s going to be a lifetime commitment,” I said. I could tell that bothered her. To his credit, the alien fought back.

“Chrome-radon defibulaters,” he pointed out. Then he reached inside and hit the accelerator. It sounded like the start of the Indianapolis 500.
“Peterbilt is introducing its Model 389 tractor with sleeper cab, 600-horsepower, diesel engine and rear suspension,” I told her. “I’ll take you to Denver, and we can spend the weekend test-driving.”

That tipped the scale. “You’re really sweet,” Lill told the alien, “And you got a hot set of wheels. But it’s like we come from two different worlds.”
You could see his disappointment.
I looked at him again and felt some pity. It would be tough to score when you’re green with only three fingers and obviously lacking a …

I decided to help. I was, after all, a pretty good hand with the ladies. “So what are you looking for, a one night stand or something deeper, more committed that might last a week?”

 “Want woman, want procreate, want more Xtron’s,” he said.
I smiled, his problem solved. I went into the trailer and grabbed a map. I laid it on the ground and said, “Fly south until you pass the Wasatch Mountains. Park your saucer right here. Open the door and announce you want kids. Trust me they will come running. If you get lost, just look for a big sign that says BYU.”
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Redneck Perspeective: Close encounters | Planet JH News Article: General Worm Hole

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