Strange news from strange people

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

By Galloping Grandma

It’s been a very soggy month everywhere. A tornado almost blew away the state of Iowa, but unfortunately, I think the politicians are still there. One longs to see them fly by, like characters from the Wizard of Oz.

I have gotten a pile of newspapers from my hometown of Corn Cob, Iowa. I was gone for a while, and then my husband had surgery. He is much better and is now strong enough to crab. He may wind up back in the hospital with contusions and broken stuff. Anyway, I have to catch up with news from home.

I learned that Edna Rae Elboe got up one morning and found a dead cow in her yard. Now, she had moved to The Farm, a development north of the Corn Cob mall. It is a snooty replacement for the old county pig farm. At any rate, she didn’t expect to find a cow, dead or alive, in her yard. It was one of those black and white things, which you can’t tell one from the other, and no one knew where it came from or whose it was.

 Edna Rae called the county and told them she had a dead cow, and they told her it was hers to keep. No, they wouldn’t move it for her, and nobody wanted it. If it had been hit by a car or shot, she could sell it for meat, but since no one knew how it died, she could keep it as it was now unfit to eat. She explained that the cow did not have wings and didn’t fly into her yard, but they hung up on her.

By this time, the dearly departed was getting a bit fragrant, and Edna Rae began to panic. In desperation she ran an ad in the Northside Shopper. And here’s the ad: Free, one dead black and white cow, just haul it away.

Well, the day the ad appeared, a family showed up and said it was their cow, Margaret, and she had been stolen. They brought a front-end loader and hauled poor Margaret away at just about the time her shelf life had expired. Edna Rae had been thinking about listing the cow on Ebay but doubted she’d last that long.

This was about the time that her mother became a problem at the Swedish Methodist rest home. Her mother became convinced the world was threatened by a giant cube of orange Jell-O and would soon become gelatinized. This upset the other residents, as any good Methodist knows that Jell-O is one of the basic food groups. The home told Edna Rae to get mom out of there or they’d throw her out, Jell-O and all. Mom was sent to the Episcopal home where Jell-O is never served and there is nothing to fear.

Pastor Verdell reported that Olaf Oscarson was missing. After about two weeks he was found hanging upside down in the county jail. Did I mention that Olaf was a grey parrot? And while he knew his name and address, which he repeated over and over, unfortunately he only spoke Norwegian and the cops were all Swedes. He is home now, learning English.

Well, gas is $4 per gallon, and no one is going anywhere this summer. I guess there are local things to visit, little fairs, farmers markets and foreclosure sales. I saw a sign advertising a “Testicle Festival.” I’m not sure what that is, but I hope it has something to do with livestock. I guess I’ll stay home this summer and watch the dishes pile up in the sink. Maybe someone will drop a cow in my yard. Check Ebay for a bargain.
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Strange news from strange people | Planet JH News Article: Galloping Grandma

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