Redneck Perspective: History of the world, abridged version

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

By Clyde Thornhill

Historians debate what defines civilization and what influences decide which societies become civilized and which remain in a primitive state. Historians are very boring. Fortunately, I have condensed all world history into my column.

For thousands of years, man lived in the Stone Age. (Not to be confused with the “Stoned Age” which occurred in the 60s.) Historians don’t consider Stone Age people civilized because they didn’t have central government, organized tax collection, political parties, opera and Britney Spears. Truly, civilization is a blessing to all.

Historians suggest that civilization began in ancient Greece because Greeks drank wine, invented democracy, drama, philosophy, as well as barbequed pork ribs. I beg to differ. Four thousand years before the Greeks, the ancient Samarians discovered the art of brewing beer. It is humankind’s noblest accomplishment.

Eventually, the wine-drinking Greeks fought the beer-drinking Sumarians (then known as Persians) in one of the most important wars in history. Persian soldiers under Xerxes were defeated because they knew if they conquered Greece, they would have to drink wine, ponder philosophy, attend long-winded plays and spend all day debating the meaning of justice. They thought it would be quicker to die in battle.
The Romans came along after the Greeks and they invented spectator sports. Their first game was the Saints vs. the Lions. The Lions won in a rout.

Rome fell to barbarians from northern forests, and Europe entered the Dark Ages. It was called the Dark Ages because women thought being pear-shaped was sexy. Unfortunately men did not think pear-shaped was sexy, and as a result, the population of Europe was stagnant for almost a thousand years. Then in the mid 1600s, a Dutch chemist, Dr. Sylvius, invented Gin. After a couple double martinis, men didn’t care what the hell women were shaped like. European population soared.

Meanwhile, Christopher Columbus boldly claimed the world was round and sailed off in search of America. “Everyone in Spain speaks Spanish,” he complained. “I want to find somewhere where English is the required language.”

After a while, Napoleon listed the Louisiana Purchase with Real Estate of Jackson Hole. It was advertised as an “exceptional, unique, one-of-a-kind opportunity for the discriminating buyer. A lovely forested lot, complete with mountain views, private spring creeks, zoning that allows for horses and indigenous peoples willing to work as domestic servants.” Alas, Napoleon was defeated, ending the reign of the last competent general in French history.

Then, in 1846, the young country of America fought a war with Mexico. America won, but somehow got stuck with Texas anyway.

In 1942, Johnson and Johnson revolutionized industry, fashion and maintenance procedures with one of the world’s most important inventions: duct tape. Economists generally agree that duct tape was responsible for the post-war, economic boom. Here is a quote from Jonathan Schechter’s new book, “Duct Tape, Mass Market and the New Millennium:”

“Using clustering methodology intertwined with low-dimensional variable models and supervised classification technique as approved by the American Statistical Association, if one accounts for normal confinement within aggregate demand targets, duct tape should continue to experience multilevel growth unless for some reason it doesn’t.”
If we can see the future by studying the past, I predict increased beer consumption, crooked politicians winning elections, a scandal involving Britney Spears, crisis in the Middle East and continued strong demand for duct tape.
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Redneck Perspective: History of the world, abridged version | Planet JH News Article: General Worm Hole

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