Advice Goddess: Meating People

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

By Amy Alkon

I recently ended a relationship, and over the past few weekends I’ve hit the singles bars. Typically, I do okay with women — just not in this scene. Each time, I managed to get a few numbers, but any woman I call never calls back. Why do women give me their number if they don’t want me to call?
— 28 And Frustrated

Going out to a singles bar and asking a bunch of women for their phone numbers should prove a very productive experience — if you’re a movie star or a budding telemarketer: “Hey...how about a date Friday night, or if that doesn’t work for you, can I interest you in an adjustable rate mortgage or a solar-powered grapefruit knife?”

Except maybe for Lamaze class or a family reunion, all the times and places you’re supposed to pick up women — Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights at hot bars and clubs — are the worst times and places to do it. There’s no such thing as casual conversation, no pretending you just happened by to pick up a USB cable for Granny’s computer. Women know exactly why you’re there, and even though most of them are there to meet men, they’re very much on guard — leading men, especially drunk men on the make, to come at them with all the subtlety of big game hunting. In fact, you might as well go in in a safari jacket and pith helmet and try to spear one from behind.

As for the women who gave you their number but never called back, you’re probably wondering why they didn’t just blow you off on the spot: “Sorry, but I’m married, I’m gay, and I don’t have a phone.” Yes, that would’ve been easier — easier for you.

Women generally try to avoid confrontation, so they’ll give you a phone number, only it’s the number of the city dump. Or maybe they’ve had six gin and tonics, and they’re too drunk to come up with a fake number, so they give you their real one, and deal with it later: “I’ll change my number, I’ll move...or maybe just turn off the lights and lay on the floor.”

These same women might’ve picked up the phone — had they met you at a newsstand, the motor vehicles bureau, or in some other less competitive environment. Sure, there might be another single guy or two around, but most of the patrons will be there for a newspaper or a new license, not because they haven’t had sex since the first George Bush was president.

It turns out there’s such a thing as too much choice, and the bar/club scene is rife with it. Studies show that when people have lots of options they tend to choose poorly and regret their choice afterward. Or maybe they don’t choose at all, thanks to “anticipated regret,” which psych professor Barry Schwartz writes in “The Paradox of Choice,” produces “not just dissatisfaction but paralysis.” So, some girl you chatted up is sitting there pondering, “Should I or shouldn’t I?” And maybe the easiest answer is just not to answer the phone.

Now, bars aren’t totally off-limits for meeting women. Just go on off-nights like Monday or Tuesday, right after work, when you have plausible deniability (you’re just there to unwind, really you are). The vibe’s relaxed, there’s no shouting over loud music, and you can strike up a casual conversation and actually connect with a woman — showing her what a great guy you are without holding her hair back while she throws up in the alley.
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Advice Goddess: Meating People | Planet JH News Article: General Worm Hole

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