Return of the Pineapple Princess

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

By Galloping Grandma

My husband and I recently returned home from a trip to Hawaii. We have been there a number of times but this may be the last, as we are a little old to display our golden bodies on a surf board. Anyway, the surf was too high and when my husband was snorkeling, he got sea sick.

When we got home, my husband began feeling poorly, so I rushed him to the hospital. We figured he had had too much Kona coffee, too many mai-tais, too much strange fruit from fruit stands and too much airplane. Someone once told me, that human beings and bananas share 50 percent of the same DNA, and I knew we had been in a banana virus area of the islands, so I figured he had caught it. He was kind of yellow and greasy and had a few brown spots, but his skin didn’t peel and didn’t break out in yellow banana-shaped blobs, so it must have been something else. Anyway, Banana Boy is fine, but you do have to be careful what you bring home from a trip.

I was reminded of the Lufdahl sisters, Ruby and Leitha, from my hometown of Corn Cob, Iowa. The girls had spent most of their lives looking after their father, who treated them like servants and had the nerve to live to be 100. One day he did them a favor by falling down the stairs and landing on his head. The girls decided to sell the house and being of sound mind, spend the money on having a good time.

Well, the relatives went nuts and told the girls they were wasting the money and making their father roll over in his grave. Nobody in the family had ever had fun and they pursed their lips and told the girls they were wicked.

The girls called a travel agent and went to Hawaii. They had a wonderful time spending their money. They got a flower lei at the airport; they went to the ABC Store and bought muu’muus; they went to a luau at their hotel. They had never tasted roast pig, raw fish or sushi with Spam. And the pina coladas sure beat the communion wine at home. They went on a tour and saw the beach where Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr made out in From Here to Eternity and tried to imagine Burt in his swimming trunks. They went to Pearl Harbor to see the Arizona Memorial and tried to remember where they had been on Dec. 7, 1941, little girls in Sunday school bored out of their skulls, perhaps.

When they got home, the relatives told them how sinful they were, so the girls just looked at each other and said, “Let’s have more fun!”

While we’re at it, terrible news from home: Leroy Edboe, the local eyesore and goofball, went to use the men’s room at Ace’s Cafe. Leroy had always carried a gun, in case he ran into aliens, but no one thought it was loaded, much less a real gun. During his exertions in the bathroom, the gun went off and blew the toilet into a dozen pieces. Leroy wasn’t hurt, but the police took his gun away, and told him that they knew he didn’t mean to shoot the toilet.

Well, Ace held a funeral for the toilet. People came and stood silently while the plumber hauled away the wreckage. The toilet left behind a urinal, a sink and some rude writings on the wall. Somebody sent flowers and Ace’s girlfriend served coffee and cookies.

Life can be so fleeting, one never knows when you’re going to break into a dozen pieces. Ruby and Leitha knew that and they’re going to Branson next year. Meanwhile, Ace says to use the men’s room across the street at the Gas ’n Grub and don’t forget to put their key back on the counter. PJH


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Return of the Pineapple Princess | Planet JH News Article: Galloping Grandma

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