Notes from a wandering grandma

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

By Galloping Grandma

I have been bouncing around Texas and Arizona lately, crammed in the backseat of a car with a dog that seems to expand in all directions, especially mine.  It has been sunny and my liver spots are gleaming and golden, and my fat wrinkles polished to a high gloss.  Before long, I will be heading north where the cold will congeal my golden flesh, leaving it gray and clammy, sort of like elephant hide.

Before leaving home, I was able to get some last minute news from my hometown.  I heard that the ferocious Fungoes are at it again.  Marlene and Marvin Fungoe, met in kindergarten where he bit her leg and she flattened him with her Romper Room lunchbox.  It has been love and war ever since. 

This time, Marvin said his mother-in- law looked like a fat hog (she does), and needed to shave (ditto).  Marlene got so mad she grabbed the first thing she could find and threw it at him.  Unfortunately, this turned out to be Homer, the 25 pound cat.  Now Homer has razor wire claws and he dug in as he sailed over Marvins bald head, leaving furrows. 

Police were called and Marvin insisted that Marlene be arrested for attacking him with a thrown object.  By this time, the thrown object was under the couch, hissing and snarling.  The police said there weren’t any laws against attack with a thrown cat and they just couldn’t impound Homer. They told Marlene to stop throwing stuff and told Marvin to learn to duck and they told Homer to stay under the couch.

There is big news from Silo City.  Grandpa Lilleboe has been arrested again for a DUI.  This time he was picked up driving a motorized bar stool at high speed and at a reckless manner down hwy 30 on his way to the nearest bar.  He figured that since he couldn’t drive a car, he could drive something else.  So he put wheels and a washing machine motor on a bar stool and off he went.  The cops told him he couldn’t drive a car OR a bar stool and he should stay home.  He has heard there is no law against driving farm equipment so he is looking at the neighbor’s manure spreader.

When I left home my granddaughter had gotten pink and white braces that are nothing like the sheet metal and galvanized wire of past years.  When I was a kid only rich kids got braces; I didn’t even see a dentist until I was 12 and then he was right out of that movie with Dustin Hoffman where he was tortured with dental drills.  When my daughter had braces some years ago, they weren’t  much better and after two years, her teeth were great, but she complained about her jawline.  It didn’t stop her from talking though. 

Well I will be heading home soon. I hear that the Fungoes had made up and they are going to Branson, MO, where they hope to see Andy Williams.  Homer has gone to stay with Grandma Fungoe and she hates him as much as he hates her. 

Grandpa Lilleboe fell off his manure spreader on the way to the bar and broke something and now the cops are threatening him with house arrest.  The dog and I will be rolling home soon ourselves, leaving a trail of fast food wrappers, crumbs and junk behind us, like Hansel and Gretel on steroids. PJH


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Notes from a wandering grandma | Planet JH News Article: Galloping Grandma

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