A Redneck Perspective: Conquest of the Promised Land

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

By Clyde Thornhill

Jackson Hole, Wyo.-The Developer spoke unto the chosen people: “Get thee out of California, Jersey even Vermont and from thy kindred, unto a land with no income tax, a land that flows with espresso and sushi, I will sell thee with 20-percent down, the balance secured with soul of first born. I will make thee a wealthy nation with golf courses, a ski resort and Teton views.”

The hedge-fund managers took their wives and concubines, their flocks, asses and polo ponies and went forth into the land of Cowboy. They built an altar unto their god, insured it with the FDIC, and offered sacrifice and received bonus until the bank did break.

And the chosen people began to quarrel. The Nogrowusites, those whose tents had natural wood and river rock siding, said, “Behold, are we not the chosen people given this land forever? Who are these foreigners who pitch their tents on pasture where wild beasts roam, who lie with our virgin daughters? Did not the Realtors say wild beasts were included in our payment? Let us therefore forbid them entry into our land.”

And the Growusites, those whose tents had corrugated metal and concrete siding to imply a more open living space and urban sophistication said, “But where shall our man-servants and maidservants dwell, those who draw our water, prepare our nourishment, and decant our wine?”

And the Nogrowusites replied, “Let those who dwell among us stay. Let them marry our daughters, inherit our wealth and drink lattés, so they may become as us. But those who wander unto this place: let them be cursed in all their generations. Cast them out that they may dwell in Alpine where they dance on tables as in Gomorrah or in Driggs where they intermarry as the Pharaohs of Egypt. Allow them not unto the Westbank where they will soil our daughters and bear impure offspring who are not hip. (Hip is translated from the ancient Hebrew word, meaning one who wears casual active wear.)  

Their words did kindle wrath in the Growusites and they did smite the Nogrowusites with a new Draft Comprehensive Plan and the Nogrowusites did tear at their clothes and wailed out woe.

The Nogrowusites retreated to Elitewestbank and lo, the holy Saviors of Historic Promised Land recruited chariots filled with lawyers and wealth to match the Growusites and they did smite the Growusites on the open plain of Editoralpage and did cause fear of a referendum.  

And lo, the land was filled with strife from the River Hoback that is inhabited by Philistines and barbarians, to the western border near the land of the Spudanites, who were descended from the lost tribe of Israel.

And all wept except the Hogislandmonites, who did eat biscuits, drink Coors, live as their ancestors and were happy. JHW
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A Redneck Perspective: Conquest of the Promised Land | Planet JH News Article: General Worm Hole

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