Hanus used aliens, brains to re-capture world power

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

By PJH Staff

Jackson Hole, Wyo.-Former United States Vice President Sick Hanus is appearing in federal court today on charges that he has been using aliens to suck the brains out of young Jackson men, and using those brains as fuel in his plot to take over the world.

Public appearances by Hanus around Jackson over the last couple of weeks had caused a buzz amongst townspeople, but only local reporter Sonny Heats realized the darker nature of Hanus’ presence. Heats stumbled across suspicious video footage that led him to belive Hanus was orchestrating a plot to take over the world.

“Friend after friend of mine were going on dates with these cougar-kitten MILFs that were, literally, out of this world,” Heats said. “After they returned from the dates, they didn’t have anything intelligent to say. I gave a friend a hidden helmet cam for one of these dates, and the camera picked up some weird movements and energy coming from this MILF that led me to believe she was an alien. Also, the camera picked up hologram images of Hanus’ cackling face in her eyes as she told my friend he was cute.”

Heats called the police who, hours later, found the MILF in question racing towards Teton Pines. They trailed her to Hanus’ house, where she disappeared below the earth with a large duffel bag. They would later learn that the duffel bag contained live human brains, which channeled energy from the Yellowstone Caldera into a “power orb” accessed by an elevator shaft deep beneath Hanus’ property.

Investigators suspect Hanus was using the power to re-capture the minds of the world, so he might win the 2012 U.S. Presidential election. Documents confiscated from his house also showed detailed plans of Hanus’ plot to then become president of the world.

After the discovery, Hanus was arrested and all of the brains were returned to their rightful owners, who had been living in a zombie-like state since their dates with the alien MILFs. JHW


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