A Redneck Perspective: Sub-summit’s First Ascent

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

By Clyde Thornhill

Jackson Hole, Wyoming - I read the Sept. 2 N&G story about the first assent of a variation of an existing climb on a sub-summit of the Grand. (Oxford English Dictionary: n. Sub-summit 1. Like a summit, only different.)

Hoping to make the front of the sports section in the N&G and therefore have a better chance to score gorper chicks, I decided to “put up” a first assent.

While being the first to climb a variation of an established line on a sub-summit is very cool, there are many other types of first assents. There is first assent without oxygen, first “Alpine Style,” first ski descent, first woman on top, and first assent in Cloudveil’s latest $400 jacket.

Glory Bowl would be good first assent. I could climb it naked for the first “free assent.” But after driving to the top of the pass and seeing how high Glory is, I decided against it. The amount of ice needed to keep beer cold on that long of expedition was prohibitive.  High School Butte was a possibility, but to make the sports page of the N&G, I needed to do a peak in the Tetons. Then I thought of Blacktail Butte. It was in the park so it could be categorized as a sub-Teton and best of all, the south ridge had sub-summit! I checked the records; there was no recorded first assent!

I left Hog Island at 2 a.m. It only took a couple minutes to unload the four-wheeler. I strapped on a cooler full of Budweiser, but decided against bringing my 22. It looked like good chiseler country but, knowing the Park Service, they probably require a permit for the taking of chiselers.

I fired up the four-wheeler and started out. All went well at first then a huge form appeared in front of me. It was brown, had a humped back and horns.

“A giant chiseler,” I screamed. I swerved and barely missed.

At last I reached the summit of the sub-summit. I pounded down a few beers to celebrate then headed back down.

I named the climb Magnus Spermophilus Amatus, the Latin name for giant chiselers. I rated the climb an II M4 IT.6 GCIII. This means it is a relativity short climb, (may take longer if you walk), there are mixed conditions (sage, dirt and boulders), it’s best climbed while intoxicated, and there is danger from giant chiselers. Unlike the other so-called climbers in the N&G article, I didn’t need to use aid.   JHW


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A Redneck Perspective: Sub-summit’s First Ascent | Planet JH News Article: General Worm Hole

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