The princess queen

Thursday, October 08, 2009

By Galloping Grandma

There is big news this week from the county. Every year at this time there is an event so frightful that grown men have been known to flee. While it’s not the invasion of the body snatchers, it comes close. It‘s the annual Corn Cob County Little Miss Sparkle Princess beauty pageant, which resembles a cross between extreme cage fighting and bear baiting.

At this event, mothers and their pre-pubescent daughters descend upon the Motel 6 and do terrible things in order for one child to be named the Sparkle Princess Beauty Queen. This winner gets a plastic crown, mother is elevated to Mother of Queendom and daddy gets buried in bills.

As we know beauty queens are not born, they are manufactured like parade floats. Even the plainest child can be a queen if she is sufficiently buried in layers of makeup, fake hair, spray tanned, fitted with false teeth, and sequined and ruffled within an inch of her life.

This year the big contenders were Tiffani Krutch and Amber Lee Tidwell, both six. They arrived, mothers attached, and convinced that they would win because Jesus had told them so. They knew that only one of them would win and the rest would be condemned to their true existence, as “losers”, “has beens” and “also rans.”

Each girl competed three times, in sportswear, in talent and in princessy formal wear. Neither girl did particularly well in talent, as they had none, but what they did have seemed to involve at lot of hip swinging and sequins.

Somewhere between the talent and formal wear, Amber Lee’s mother, Candi, gave out a rude sound. Tiffani’s mother, Barb, replied by putting out her cigarette in Candi’s overflowing cleavage.

At this point, things took a downturn and the would-be princesses were forced to stand sadly by in their woebegone formal wear while out in the lobby, their mothers brawled with the cops and tried to rip off each other’s tattoos.  

In the end, neither girl became a Sparkle Princess. A dark horse named Mimsy Mudge won, despite her lack of looks and talent. She did have an undeniable asset though, the judge was her cousin. The girls learned one of life’s cruel lessons, if only one head can wear a crown, everyone else will just get crowned.  JHW


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The princess queen | Planet JH News Article: Galloping Grandma

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